Home Improvement for $500

The Hotfessional asked for "Home Improvement". With that in mind, riddle me this: Why would people who can’t put a Christmas tree with out dropping the F Bomb at least six times EVER endeavor to do home improvement projects? I don’t know either. This is what I do know:

Do not strip wallpaper off three days before weekend visitors are due. Putting up new wallpaper together is grounds for divorce.

If you replace the bathroom faucet it will cost $2,000. Never mind that the faucet was $50, everything else will look shabby by comparison. You do the math.

If your husband spends a day in a crawl space trying to solder a leaky pipe, do not call him the next day to tell him the plumber did it in three minutes.

If you decide, three days before you move into your new house, that you have time to have the ugly popcorn texture removed from your ceilings, please take note of the fact that “Ceiling Plaster” is not a finished product. The fucking newly plastered ceilings WILL need primer plus two coats of paint.

If you are renovating a bathroom, make sure the tile you ordered is IN the United States BEFORE you take a sledge hammer to the old tile.

If you hire a neighbor, who is down on his luck, to refinish your hardwood floors, and he quotes part of his payment in cases of beer? When you come back from vacation your hardwood floors will most assuredly look like shit.

Oh people, surely you get the idea. Need I go on? That being said, so far the current bathroom project has gone surprisingly well. Here I am painting the sun room "Lemon Meringue".

Right over where a window USED to be.

Look at my mad skills up top.

Finished product and start of the bathroom tomorrow.

In which Monday sucks again

No school in Whooville today. Why? Who the fuck knows. Mind you this is a Parochial school, the tuition for which rivals a State University, but I digress.

Things Precious Youngest DID NOT Accomplish Today:

Bathe

Bring in the trash cans and recycling bin from curb

Make Bed

Pick up Bedroom

Empty her bathroom trash even tough stench could knock one on their ass

Carry up and put away clothes that Mother Dearest offered to throw said laundry in with a load she did last night then washed, dried and folded

Act like the grateful child she should be

Things Precious Youngest DID Accomplish Today:

9:30 Arise

10:30 Visit to library for "squad" day. (Yes, debaters have “squad” day)

12:00 Trip to McDonald’s for lunch

1:00 Give self manicure

1:30 Collapse in leather recliner to watch television comforted by Halloween themed fleece blanket Mother Dearest purchased as spontaneous gift over the weekend

5:10 Give Mother Dearest dirty look and pull blanket over head when Mother Dearest inquires as to why above mentioned things have not been done

5:11 Piss off Mother Dearest and drive her to drink

How was your Monday?

Darling Fi

Once upon a time in a land far away lived two beautiful Princesses and the Evil Queen. More than anything in the world, the Princesses wanted a puppy. They would feed it, and brush it, and walk it and teach it tricks. If they got this puppy they would never.ever.ever ask for anything else again. But the Evil Queen said “No”. For the Evil Queen knew that the Princesses were lying. The Evil Queen would end up, walking, feeding, brushing, and training the puppy and have to pick up dog shit poo too!.. And she wisely said "Oh, hell no" “No, thank you”.

But as beautiful Princesses are wont to do they wore the Evil Queen down. So in her infinite wisdom the Evil Queen did some research. And lo she found a breed of dog that was clever, did not shed, and was small enough that the giant piles of dog shit poo would be manageable. So the Evil Queen set forth a decree: If the Princesses were to get a puppy it would be a Cairn Terrier.

And so it came to pass that a conniving bitch dog breeder had a mommy cairn terrier that had a litter of five puppies; three boys and two girls. The royal family traveled a great distance to see the new puppies, and on the long journey it was decided that the puppy they chose would be a girl. And there was Joy. And lo the puppies were cute, darling, precious to behold. The two girl puppies were inspected carefully. One sister was quiet, shy, a bit withdrawn. One sister was lively, animated, a bit of a spit fire. Both were cute beyond reason; the decision rested with the Queen. In her infinite wisdom enormous stupidity the Queen decreed that the lively sister should return with them to the palace forthwith.

Fiona the Brave, Protector of the Realm was indeed lively, animated and a bit of a spit fire. And as the Queen had predicted she did indeed end up with the care, feeding and training of the dog. And it sucketh mightily. For the puppy had an attitude; the stupid damn dog Fiona thought she was in charge. And so it came to pass that the Queen realized they did not live with a cairn terrier, but a cairn terrorist. And a shadow covered the earth.

And lo these many years later the Queen is still heard to mutter under her breath from time to time “Why? Why didn’t I pick the QUIET sister? Why?”

The End