Did your mother ever tell you?

If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all? Yeah, mine too. Which is why it's a wee bit dark over here. And will remain so for the foreseeable future.

Drama

I know I’ve explained the Precious Daughter’s reluctance to let go of inability to walk away charming habit of remaining friends with the majority of their ex-boyfriends? (For the love of god, if you plan to read the rest of this entry PLEASE read the LINK!) Well I’ve got a mini teen drama playing out and I want to go on record as saying I think someone is going to get their feelings hurt.

Precious Youngest has known a young man we’ll call “Boy A” since Kindergarten. They “went out” some time during eighth grade if I’m remembering correctly. Boy A went on to a different high school (Jesuit, all boys), but he lives in the neighborhood, they have friends in common, so they still see each other a fair amount. Additionally, if you attend an all boys school? You will need Precious Youngest and her pals to go to various dances with your friends and you will not hesitate to call her. In fact, it was through Boy A that Precious Youngest ended up with Homecoming Date #1 last fall.

As a refresher, Precious Youngest is a high school junior. At the aforementioned all boys school, in place of “Junior Prom”, they have “Junior Ring”. Here in Whoville, the word on the street is that this is THE high school dance. Not to be missed. THE BEST. Boy A, who still carries a wee torch, wants to take Precious Youngest. Problem? "Boy B". Boy B was Homecoming Date #2 last fall and morphed into Boyfriend around Christmas.

Precious Youngest has had “hard core talks” with Boy B and he has “agreed” that Boy A can take her to "Junior Ring" with the proviso that, the weekend of the dance, he can complain as much as he wants and she can’t say anything.

Are you still with me here? Do I need diagrams? Flow charts? OK, here’s the thing; I don’t see this ending well. I’ve TOLD Precious Youngest this. She insists it will be fine. That she just wants to go to the dance. That Boy A KNOWS it's "just as friends". That Boy B is really OK with this.

I remain uncertain. Any thoughts?

She’s Lost that Loving Feeling

Precious Oldest broke up with Boyfriend over the weekend. I didn’t expect him to make it through the summer, much less this far into the school year. From the start he was much more smitten; and knowing my girls as I do, I recognized that this was not a good omen for the Boy.

But damn it people, he’s been hanging for around eight or so months now. And even though he started out as just Prom Date, and even though I try not to get attached, its hard. He’s a nice kid, academically excellent, easygoing. He treated Precious Oldest exactly as you would want a boy to treat your daughter; kindly, thoughtfully, with respect, with humor, and with copious compliments to her mother’s cooking.

When Oldest called to tell me the news I may have been less than supportive. I have may have blurted out something along the lines of “Poor Boyfriend! Do you think there’s any way you’ll get back together?” I know, Meanest Mother awards all over the place yet again. But my mind flashed on this gentle boy getting his heart handed to him. (Let’s just say I could empathize.) The fact that his infatuation caused the “claustrophobia” that led to the breakup barely entered my consciousness during that phone conversation.

The next morning, standing in the shower, I realized I hadn’t acknowledged Precious Oldest’s feelings about the matter much at all. She was upset and I was worried about some boy? He was not the first and is surely not the last! So I called her first thing to apologize for sounding less than sympathetic to her pain. She said it was hard. She said her stomach still hurt. She said he was very upset. (Uh yeah, excluding mine, she doesn’t like to hurt other people’s feelings.) She said thank you for listening.

And I? Silently thanked God for not being a teenager any more. Because even if you are the one doing the heart breaking? Its heartbreaking.

The 70's Were Hell Man

In 1970 Richard Nixon was President. Midnight Cowboy won best picture at the Oscars. The Chiefs won the Super Bowl. A first class stamp cost 6 cents. Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin both died of a drug overdose. Blood, Sweat and Tears was album of the year at the Grammys. Four students were killed by National Guardsmen at Kent State University. IBM introduced the floppy disk. During the spring semester of second grade we moved to Trumbull, Connecticut. Sib #4 turned two. I turned eight.

We now lived in a four bedroom house and that meant I got MY OWN ROOM. This was BIG DEAL people. I think my parents felt some guilt about me being the practice child (as all firsts are) and I never again had to share a room. My mother let me choose the wall color for my bedroom and I chose .....Orange. I know it was the 70's and all, but Orange?

In 1974 Richard Nixon resigned the Presidency. Gerald Ford was sworn in as the 38th President of the United States. A first class stamp cost 10 cents. The Sting won the Oscar for best picture. People Magazine debuted with Mia Farrow on the cover. Roberta Flack won a Grammy for "Killing Me Softly with His Song". We moved to Denver, Colorado. Sib #5 turned three. I turned twelve and started middle school.

We still refer to this as "the move west", as though we went in covered wagons. This was strange and uncharted territory. People thought we talked funny. There was so much empty space. There were tumbleweeds blowing down the streets for crying out loud! But the skiing? OMG, made it worth the move. I learned to ski before I learned to ride a bike. And skiing in the Rockies v.s. the suck ass, well anything in New York, Vermont, Massachusetts? Was awesome!

In 1976 Gerald Ford was president. A first class stamp cost 13 cents. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest won best picture at the Oscars. Captain and Tennille won the best record Grammy for "Love Will keep Us Together". The Yankees lost to Cincinnati in the World Series. America celebrated it's Bicentennial. We moved to Wichita, Kansas. I turned fourteen.

Can you imagine? Truly? The horror of a teen aged girl transplanted to a NEW High School? In KANSAS? I am telling you now, there are limits to my patience and understanding. I did not say a civil word to my parents for a good year. Can you blame me?

Sending out an S.O.S.

During varied leadership training courses in my professional and volunteer careers, I have taken a gazillion personality profile tests. They rarely change. I’m an ESTJ in "Myers-Briggs", Orange in "True Colors", D in "DISC" and High Red (though drifting Green with age and experience) in "Birkman". If you are familiar with these types of tests and designations, ummm....yes, I tend to fall somewhere between bitch and bossy.

When my children were young I bought a book called Nurture By Naturewhich helped you to assess you children’s personality (based on the Myers-Briggs model) . Truth be told I found it helpful as it gave some good advice on how to deal with different temperaments as you kids moved form toddler,to pre-schooler, to grade-schooler, to young adolescent.

Precious Oldest is an ESTJ. No ifs, ands or buts about it. There is nothing of her father in that child. This made for some awesome fireworks in those fab years between 15 and 18; she knew exactly how to push my buttons and did so with fair frequency. In fact; that I am not snatched bald-headed and she is still alive is a testament to my restraint and self control.

However, like me, the blow ups may be huge but they are short lived. The occasional rebellion was spectacular, but over as soon as the consequences outweighed the action. In the last sixty days? She has apologized to me THREE times for having been “a bad teenager”. We have moved past those years to what I believe will be a truly wonderful adult relationship.

What I’m grappling with now is my Precious Youngest. I just don’t understand her. I look at her and wonder how she came to be. She is the only introvert in the family. She warms slowly and has difficulty trying anything new. Something attempted and not perfected? Good luck getting her to try again. TRUST is huge. Once gained? Loyal to the end. Lost? You will NEVER gain it back. (If fact that is one of the only characteristics she shares with me and Precious Oldest.)

I have been struggling with her these past weeks. Now forced into the spotlight of Precious ONLY, it is not a pretty picture for Precious Youngest or for me. Her rebellion is quiet, almost invisible. And it looks like it will last a LONG time. Her silence hurts my feelings even though I know she does not intend to hurt me. High School is hard people! I want to help her, but I seem to be making things worse. The things that worked with Precious Oldest are not working for her.

If there are any ISFJ’s out there who remember their teenage years? HELP!