Postal

I have a small post office branch near my office; conveniently located next to the dry cleaners and across the street from the liquor store. On the way to and from work. And the folks that work there are generally pleasant, I shit you not. Nice right? Except I can’t go there any more. Why? Let us get a clear picture shall we? I had a mailing I needed to get out and as the mail service in our building sucks, I decided to run to the post office my own self. It was a small mailing, only about 100 letters. But the mail box outside of the building, as it was the end of the day, was pretty full. When I opened the door I could actually see the mail inside, and I wasn’t sure all of mine would fit.

Being a resourceful sort of gal, I went inside to use the lobby mail slot. But because it was the end of the day it was pretty full too. No matter; as I slid the mail in I used my free hand to sort of push the mail down to make room. I got about half the letters stuffed inside when I found my left hand stuck in the slot. As in my arm, wrist and palm were on MY side, but my fingers and WEDDING RING were on the other. My ring was jammed between the slot and my knuckle. I did not panic at first, primarily because the mail slot is not visible from the customer counter, and I was alone in the lobby. So I pulled. I twisted. I pulled some more. Nothing. Nada. Now another customer comes in to put HIS mail in the slot. He looks at me and asks if I need help. Like a complete idiot I say “No”. WTF right? He looks at me, headed cocked to the side, and says “are you STUCK?” Well now I have to say “yes”, panic has set in, my fingers hurt, my arm is going numb and it is clear there is no fucking way I’m getting out of this on my own.

He kindly goes to the counter, jumps the line, and says there’s a lady with her hand stuck in the mail slot and she needs help. Needless to say, not only do the postal employees come to see what I’ve done but so does everyone in the damn line. So now I have an audience. One asshole is taking pictures with his fucking phone! (If this ends up on YouTube I expect compensation) I tell the nice postal employees that one of them is going to have to go back and pull my ring OFF so I can get my hand OUT. One of the NPEs goes to the back and starts pulling. But with all my pulling and twisting my finger is now the size of a sausage and the damn thing is NOT coming off. But guess what? At the post office? They have machines, and conveyor belts and shit? So they have WD40!!! Sucker slid off so fast the nice postal employee almost dropped it.

NPE came back out front to return the ring and guess what I did? Started putting the rest of my mail in the slot. Oh yes I did! In the nicest possible way NPE suggested I give the mail to her and she’d put it the bin herself.

And now I have to find another post office.