Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sleepless in the suburbs

A little bit of background. I was a stay at home mom for 17 years. I loved it. I was good at it. But from the day Precious Oldest was born, something in my brain short circuited. I, who previously could sleep through anything (I will regale you with a few such stories at a later time) COULD NOT SLEEP. Even when the baby was sleeping through the night, I couldn’t manage to do the same. Insomnia is a terrible thing, an insidious thing. The numerous diagnosis and medications are best left for another post; sufficed to say there are periods of my life where going through the motions was the best I could do. There were also periods of my life when the beast was held at bay – sometimes for years at a time.

But as high school and college tuitions began to loom I felt that returning to the workforce was a good idea. Precious Youngest started high school and I found a job. Let’s just say the re-entry was not smooth. The job was not a good fit; I had a toxic co-worker and ended up with severe anxiety issues which led to the worst insomnia I’d experienced yet. Week after week - night after night - two to three hours of sleep. There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as an instrument of torture people! My now poor health coupled with the unpleasant job situation forced me to turn in my resignation after only six months. I felt like an utter failure.

I took about four months off to regroup and get well. I found another job, and thought all was under control. I was wrong. Last winter the beast was back with a vengeance. Shrinks, meds, therapy, hell I even tried acupuncture. December through March is a blur. I managed to go to the office every day, but was so emotionally drained by putting up that front that there was nothing left for my family. Slowly as spring came sleep started to return. The last few months have been pretty great. By July I was feeling like myself again.

Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 and couldn’t fall back asleep. My alarm goes off at 5:30 during the week, so at 5:00 I just got up and figured I could suck it for a day. I figured last night that I’d sleep well because I was so tired. I tossed and turned and fell asleep about 11:30. Only to wake up at 1:25. FUCK. I can’t do this again. Seriously.

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