Sleepless in suburbia, part two

I haven't slept well the last three nights. And there's nothing really wrong. Precious oldest is doing great, loving school and is coming home this weekend. Precious youngest misses her sister and the start of the school year has always been stressful for her, but she seems to be holding her own. Work is OK. Busy, but not overwhelming. So why am I awake?

My history with anxiety, insomnia and depression is a long one. And every cycle starts like this one. At first a few hours a few nights a week. I'm not even that tired, but I start getting anxious by mid-afternoon. Then I'm up most week nights. Then it starts creeping into the weekends. At it's worst I sleep two or three hours a night for weeks and months at a time. I think everyone has a sleep bank and I just got mine back in the black. But after so many withdrawals the serious depression sets in and then I'm screwed. Last winter I was nearly psychotic from the lack of sleep.

I have current prescriptions for Wellbutrin, Xanex and Ambien. I take the Wellbutrin every day because so far it's the only medication for depression/anxiety I can take without debilitating side effects. I've spent months weaning myself back to just a half a Xanex at bedtime and I don't want to start up again. Do I add Ambien back in the mix? On top of the stupid fucking "natural" melatonin?

I don't want to go back to therapy. I just want to sleep. I've been great for the most of the summer. Why can't I feel like that,sleep like that, all the time? I'm beginning to wonder if I can ever be well, and it scares me.