Thursday, August 28, 2008

What if?

What if I told you the person in question was a boyfriend?

What if I told you I was so taken aback at the time that I didn't say anything?

What if I told you that I feel I should broach the topic with my daughter, but I don't know how? Or even if I should?

What if?

12 comments:

drawer queen said...

I had a very similar situation with daughter #1 and a boyfriend, and I did say to the daughter that I was unhappy to hear the "tone of voice" he used and reminded her that at this stage of the game, in a young and new relationship that he should be believing the sun shines out her ass and she should feel the same way and IF at this stage in this young new and exciting relationship he was already speaking to her in that manner it did not bode well for the future. I asked her how it made her feel and if she was okay with him speaking to her that way, in front of me no less. She agreed that it was not a good thing. Thankfully they are not totally dating anymore, but are still in contact....
...hope that helps?

Ree said...

Was the tone one of THOSE tones?

If so, absolutely, tell her how you feel and why.

Daisy said...

Ooooh, that's a toughie. I think it depends on your daughter. You know her best. If she is the way I was (which was a big brat), resistance by parent made big, dumb Jerk more attractive. I had to learn those lessons on my own.

If she's not like me (and I pray to God she's not), then say something, by all means.

Madame Queen said...

Ay yi yi. I would just be honest and say something like "what he said to you really concerns me" and talk to her about why. Drawer Queen's advice sounds pretty good. I'm taking notes for the future, here.

Shelley said...

I would definitely say something, because if she wasn't offended, she should have been. Let's be honest, "simple" is just a pompous way of saying "stupid." I mean really...how dare he? Respect, first and foremost.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I was afraid it was a boyfriend.

We had a similar situation with our oldest. It started out with comments like that, then there were some other signs (not liking her friends, etc).

I explained to her that a boy that spoke to her that way had the potential to be an abuser. I showed her literature. She listened, but it was "true love."

I ended up taking her to a psychologist so she could hear it from someone besides me. I also told her that for her own good I was forbidding her to see him (she was just 16) outside of school. In our situation it actually worked.

Her next boyfriend was amazing and she tells me today how grateful she was that we took the stand we did.

I hope your situation doesn't end up like ours.

Swirl Girl said...

I agree with Jen on one hand. The dude sounds like a controller and that = bad news.

But, what did she say to prompt his comment?

You should get to the bottom of this. That's what makes you a good mom.

Vanessa said...

I think you should talk to her. Come from a place of respecting herself and we teach others how to treat us. If the boyfriend already says things like this, he isn't loving her for who she is, and that exactly what he should be doing. Anyone that tries to change and mold the other person is insecure and that will not get better as the relationship goes on.

Owens Family Adventures said...

I think you should talk to her also and moniter the situation carefully but without her knowing. Sometimes we can make the other person more attractive with the whole forbidden fruit thing. I am feeling for you. That's a hard thing. My fingers are crossed for you that it will all work out allright......which I am totally sure it will. Hang in there,
dawn

Holly (me.) said...

Since we are not quite to the boyfriend age, I can only go by my own experience and that of other female friends over the years. Hell, yes, you should say something. If she tolerates a guy being derogatory (even mildly so) toward her, she is risking the possibility of becoming desensitized to such behavior. I would be cautious to phrase your commentary in question form so that you are not percieved as attacking Boyfriend, but hopefully such queries will help your daughter start thinking about how she ought to expect to be treated and spoken to by others... the boundaries they draw themselves are more likely to hold.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I would ask how that makes her feel when he says that.

And doesn't Jenn always have such great advice? She's like a blogging housemother.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I was gonna say I'd still kick him in the shin, but jenn @juggling life's comment has my stomach hurting. I hope that's not what's going on, but I can see it....